The empty pillow

I want to write about an idea… choice. But it's not so much an idea as it is an age-old pain disguised as a question:

Is humanity predestined or does it have free will?

The question doesn't arise suddenly.

It comes after we choose, and then discover that we have chosen.

Or after we fail, and then we search for someone to blame for the outcome.

If humanity is predestined,

then does it also choose to become good?

Or is goodness cast into its heart like light into a dark room?

And if it has free will,

then why are the paths similar,

but the ends different?

What is the point of striving…

if the path to everything is predetermined?

I asked myself for a long time:

If I sat waiting for sustenance,

would it come to me even if I didn't strive?

And if the answer is yes,

then why was toil created?

And if a criminal sat waiting for his crime,

would it come to him by his own effort?

Or at some point,

he reached out for it,

and chose? Here, in this gray area,

the truth is laid bare:

Choice is not the opposite of destiny,

but rather one of its facets.

But how do we know?

How do we distinguish between what we lead and what we are led by?

How do we cultivate the earth,

when we barely understand the maps of our own hearts?

How do we choose wisely,

so that we don't choose wrongly from the start,

and fail in relationships that could have been avoided?

How do we know if another is suitable for us,

and similar to us,

or not?

How often have we mistaken closeness for similarity,

and need for love,

and silence for wisdom?

Then there is the question that is never spoken aloud:

How do we choose things beyond our comprehension?

How do we choose a future,

and a partner,

and children yet unborn,

when we possess only incomplete indicators?

Can the soul ascend,

to see before it falls?

To know the most precise and successful choices?

And from where is this knowledge drawn?

And who imparts it to us?

And what will we find on the path to it?

Does knowledge have intermediaries?

Or is pain itself the messenger?

Does it come as inspiration to hearts from the Almighty, the Compeller?

Or does it descend through angels?

Or is it carried by the chosen, the pious, the travelers on earth,

those who crossed the fire and returned with only ashes?

It is said that choice must be based on facts,

facts,

data, and

clear maps of possible outcomes.

Especially when it concerns the future of a family,

a partner,

and children who bear no responsibility for our randomness.

If we possessed this compass,

how much nonsense would we have avoided?

How much exploitation would have been thwarted before it could penetrate hearts?

How many nights of contemplation,

and how many pillows soaked with tears,

would have remained dry?

Does one err more than once in choosing?

Yes.

Because one does not learn all at once.

And because knowledge is not given in its entirety,

but rather in portions, out of mercy for us.

The door of knowledge doesn't open for those who knock hastily,

but for those who have reached the point of being true to themselves.

Those who have relinquished the role of victim,

and stopped cursing fate,

and said:

I have chosen…

and I will learn how to choose.

What lies beyond the door is not certainty,

but ability.

The ability to discern,

to say “no” at the right time,

and to accept that error

is not the opposite of wisdom,

but its path.

I am not late.

I have simply arrived at the right question.

And the question…

when it is honest,

becomes a form of salvation.

Thus, choosing is no longer an act of blind will,

nor is knowledge a mere accumulation of soulless questions.

The right choice is not born of intelligence alone,

but of knowledge that purifies intention,

and reveals ourselves to us before it reveals the paths.

And when a person reaches this level of honesty,

they are not left alone. There, in the realm where the inner turmoil subsides,

Divine guidance intervenes,

not to choose for us,

but to illuminate what we were unable to see.

For guidance is not the negation of choice,

but its fulfillment.

Not a constraint on freedom,

but a mercy upon it.

We choose…

Then, if our intentions are sincere,

our endeavors righteous,

and our attachment to the outcome lessened,

knowledge descends according to our capacity,

and help comes from where we least expect it.

Only then do we understand that God did not prescribe paths for us,

but rather guidance if we so desire.

And that the greatest choice is not the path we take,

but to take it consciously,

and ask for guidance… and we are granted it.