Peace is Finding the Real Me

Life always teaches us new lessons through different experiences. Finally, I realize that maturity comes when we understand that life is too short, so we must find our own peace and truly live it.

There was a time when I was a positive and confident girl. I am the only child of my parents, so I grew up in a loving and caring environment. My childhood memories are full of joy and pleasure. My parents always supported me, and I feel very lucky to have them.

When I was in high school, I was appreciated by everyone. I had many friends, and people liked me a lot. I always tried to keep myself picture-perfect and followed the latest fashion trends. Many classmates came to me for dress suggestions because they liked my taste. I was the center of attention, and many boys liked me too.

I studied in a girls’ school, and boys often followed me on my way home. I ignored most of them, but I couldn’t ignore one boy named Ovy. we fell in love and later got married with my parents’ support.

Although my parents accepted me happily, my in-laws did not. My father-in-law loved me very much, but unfortunately, I couldn’t spend much time with him. He passed away soon after our marriage.

My mother-in-law had a strong personality. Soon, she gathered herself and decided to take over the business. She did not like me much, and I often felt uncomfortable living there. Very often, I used to miss my vibrant past.

After two years of marriage, I gave birth to my elder daughter, and everyone was happy. But one day, my husband had a big quarrel with my mother-in-law and left the house. I was shocked but followed him. We rented a house and started a difficult life.

Later, I gave birth to my son, and it became hard to manage everything alone. So, we moved to my parents’ house. After some years, my mother-in-law called us back to a new house. But then I noticed changes in my husband. He was no longer the loving and caring person he used to be.

Then I found out that he had started taking drugs. It was like a bolt from the blue. Sometimes, I thought I should leave him. But then I thought about my children, what would happen to them? I was deeply worried about their future. So, I decided to stay with him, believing that since he loved me very much, he would leave drugs for the sake of me and our children.

However, he did not change his habit. We were no longer a happy couple. We often quarreled with each other. I was only maintaining the relationship for my children.

One day, we had a big fight, and I couldn’t control myself. I left his house with my children and went to my parents. He later came to me and wanted to take us back. But I told him that I would not return unless he changed himself. Still, deep inside, I believed that maybe one day he would change and come back to us as the person he used to be.

Suddenly, one day, I received a call from my brother-in-law. He told me that my husband had a road accident and was in critical condition. All my anger washed away in a second.

I ran to the hospital to see him. He was referred to Dhaka for better treatment, and I decided to go with him. But unfortunately, we couldn’t make it. He left us on the way to Dhaka. I never imagined that things would end like this. It felt like my life had stopped there. On the way back, I kept thinking about what I would say to my children.

After the death of my husband, I lost all interest in living. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even breathe properly. I was losing weight very fast, and my health became worse day by day. I wanted to return to my in-laws, but my mother-in-law refused. They even took away the single piece of memory I had of my husband.

On one side, there was the grief of losing my husband, and on the other side, the economic insecurity of me and my children. These made me very sick. I became mentally so depressed that I had two panic attacks within one year. I completely left my previous colorful life and isolated myself from the outside world.

After a few months, I started going to school with my children. There, I met many people—the guardians and the teachers. Some showed their condolences, some said kind words to comfort me, and some tried to encourage me to return to my normal life. But others were gossiping about me behind my back, which made me feel worse. Some people pretended they wanted to see the old, cheerful me, but in reality, they seemed comfortable seeing me in that broken condition. So, I stopped going to the school again to avoid those talks.

At last, I visited a doctor. He advised me that I should do what I like, what makes me happy. My mental peace is the most important thing. He said I should not worry about what others think of me. I must keep myself away from negativity, or it could harm me even more.

So, I decided to bring back the previous Sadia.

I dressed like before and went to my children’s school again. I rejoined the guardians’ group. Everyone started noticing me again. Some of them criticized me behind my back. I knew that, but I had already started ignoring them. They didn’t affect me anymore.

Very often, I went out for outings, sometimes even alone. I also focused on taking care of my appearance whenever I felt sad. My family was happy to see me like this again. One of my closest friends suggested that I should use my talent for designing dresses. Everyone had always liked my dressing sense. So, I thought I could use my time to earn some money and also keep myself away from depression.

At present, I am in a better condition. I have overcome much of my depression and sadness. My mother-in-law gave me the share I deserved from my husband, so I no longer have to worry about financial problems. Still, I started designing dresses for my close relatives on a small scale.

Sometimes, I miss my husband because I loved him very much. But I have finally let go of the negative memories we had together. I don’t want those moments to return in my life again. So, I decided not to marry again. I am enough for me and my children.

I returned to my friend group, and from where I had left before, I started again. During festivals, we arranged small parties and spent wonderful times together.

Now, I am more confident than before. I feel stronger and more powerful. I don’t care about what others say about me anymore. And finally, I have realized the true meaning of peace.

So, for me,

“Peace is finding the real me.”