How We Stop Raising Queens for a Burning Kingdom

Hello everyone, It has been a minute since I sat down to write here.

Between advocacy works, academy and keeping the engine of HerStoryTellHer running, my hands have been full. But my mind has been stuck on one specific conversation.

A few months ago, I wrote a piece that went viral. I talked about how we are doing an incredible job raising the Girl Child, polishing her into a diamond, teaching her emotional intelligence, and arming her with boundaries. But in that same breath, I asked a terrifying question:

Who is raising the man she is going to meet in ten years?

The response was overwhelming. My DMs, the comment sections, and my WhatsApp were flooded with women and men saying the exact same thing: The Boy Child is bleeding, and we are ignoring him.

Agreeing on the problem is easy. But outrage without a strategy is just noise.

Today, let’s talk about the strategy. How do we actually re-educate the Boy Child without stripping resources away from the Girl Child? How do we build a generation of whole men?

The Empathy Gap

Growing up, I spent a lot of my childhood trying to keep up with my brothers. I watched them closely. I saw the silent expectations placed on their shoulders before they were even old enough to carry them. I saw how quickly society expects a boy to just "figure it out."

When a girl cries, we ask her what is wrong. When a boy cries past a certain age, we tell him to man up. We meticulously groom our daughters for relationships, safety, and community, but we toss our sons into the wilderness of toxic masculinity and expect them to emerge as gentlemen.

If we want to end Gender-Based Violence, if we want safer streets and healthier marriages, we have to close this empathy gap and here is the blueprint for how we start.

First, Teach Emotional Literacy as a Survival Skill

Right now, the only emotion society allows a man to express freely is Anger.

Sadness? Weakness.

Fear? Cowardice.

Overwhelm? Failure.

When you deprive a human being of the vocabulary to explain their pain, that pain mutates into violence. We must start teaching boys emotional literacy with the same urgency we teach them mathematics. We need to teach them that anger is usually a secondary emotion covering up fear, rejection, or exhaustion. A boy who can articulate his feelings does not need to use his fists to make a point.

Secondly, redefine the Concept of "Provision"

For generations, we have tied a man’s entire worth to his wallet. We tell the boy child that his ultimate role in life is to be a financial provider.

Can I shock you? This is destroying them. When a man’s bank account takes a hit, his identity crumbles, and the resulting insecurity often gets taken out on the women around him.

We need to teach the boy child a new definition of provision. Teach him that providing emotional safety is provision. Providing peace in a home is provision. Providing partnership in raising children is provision. When we expand his value beyond money, we create a man who is secure enough to clap for a successful woman, rather than feel threatened by her.

Moving forward, please let's create "Locker Rooms" for Unlearning

We talk a lot about safe spaces for girls. We need safe spaces for boys that are not centered around sports, money, or conquering women.

They need mentorship spaces where they can unpack the toxic advice they get from the internet. The internet is currently raising our boys. If we do not step in, algorithms will feed them content from hyper-masculine podcasters who teach them that women are property and vulnerability is a scam. We need men of character to step up and create physical spaces where boys can ask questions without being shamed.

The Balancing Act (Let’s Be Clear)

Yo, let me address the elephant in the room.

Whenever I bring up the Boy Child, someone always asks: "Does this mean we should stop focusing on girls?"

Absolutely not. My life’s work is dedicated to the liberation and safety of the Girl Child. But I am a strategist. And strategically, you cannot secure a fortress if you are only training the guards and ignoring the people building the weapons outside.

Supporting the boy child is not a distraction from women's rights; it is a prerequisite for women's safety.

We don't need to take the microphone away from the girl child. We just need to give the boy child a pen so he can rewrite his own twisted programming.

We are raising Queens. It is time we start building a Kingdom worthy of them.

Let's get to work.

Boluwatife Asake Adeniji

HerStoryTellHer