EPITOME OF MATURE BOUNDARIES

Some people should understand that we don't hate them. We just don't need them around us anymore. Just because we aren't talking anymore doesn't mean we're badmouthing them on our end. We may have stopped being friends, but it doesn't mean we became enemies. We can just live and let live.

This is the position many people force you into when you can't put up with their pettiness. You notice that every time you interact, they leave you with scratches. They seem to always be looking for small things to dwell on, get offended, and bring unease.

Over time, you decide that your life is more peaceful without them. And so you cease to deal with them. No fall out or nasty exchange. You just fall back and go your way, and you have no grudge against them. You just know they're not a good vibe to have around. They have issues that you have no time to dig into or even diagnose.

In response, you just respond with dignified silence. No strong feelings and no offence. You just smile and say, 'Imagine I'm fine. I hope you have a good time.'

You wish they could understand that just because you don't want them at your table doesn't mean you want them to starve. You wish them well. You just don't want them at your corner. And that's the epitome of mature boundaries. If we can't coexist in peace, then we should release each other in peace. God for us all, but each to their own life.

If you can go for days or weeks without talking to me, add a couple more. I'm good. If you can be fine without hearing from me, I guess I can be fine without hearing from you too.

I've learnt not to need anything that doesn't need me. Love that needs to be tracked down and pestered is not love.I may be loyal, but I am not a chaser. I may be a lover, but I'm also a deep thinker. I care, but I also take caution.I don't need people to show me repeatedly how much they don't need me.

Sometimes you're invited, but you're still not welcome. People invite you because they're expected to, not because they wanted to. If you show up, they'll keep you on a tight leash. They keep an eye on you as if you were a suspect. 

And why is this so? They fear you outshining them. They may feign friendliness, but they secretly resent you. Even if you say you'll keep it low-key, your energy is still unmistakable. People will come for you from the corner you're chilling. Even when you're not trying, you're more noticeable than this person, and that's what their insecurities can not contain.

You should learn to stop showing up in spaces where your energy won't be celebrated. You've worked too hard for this version of yourself to force yourself into places you're not wanted.

Being related by blood doesn't automatically create closeness and friendship. Friendship must be cultivated separately. Otherwise, jealousy and fierce rivalry will spring up. Cain will murder his brother Abel.

This is why there are family people who are not friends, but there are friends who become family. You should redefine family to mean unwavering loyalty, for then you will see people clearly and know where to place everyone.

This is also why the Bible says that there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother and that faithful are the wounds of a friend. It means friendship is about loyalty and genuine love. It is friendship that makes a person intercept death for you. The man who was deathly ill was brought to the Healer by his four friends, not his brothers.

We're bringing this up to alert you to start investing in true friends when you're on your feet. A day may come - God forbid - when you will be on your back, beaten by life and adversity. It is the friends you went the distance for when you were on your feet who will carry you in your fallen state until they get you back on your feet. They may need to break through the roof of a house to get you to the Healer, but they don't mind paying for repairs later.

During good times, avoid getting carried away by fans and partying until you forget your friends and their pain. Sometimes, you need to sneak out of the party to go down and stand by your friend who has been caught by battles of life. Disease in their family. Death of a close person. Financial crisis. Divorce.

In this regard you should normalise visiting places like the hospital to bring a meal to your friend's family member who is ailing; the courtrooms to hold the hand of your friend who is battling with divorce and auctioneers; the morgue to shield your friend from having to deal with the body of their loved one alone.

If you go to these places for your friends, when your turn comes they will go there for you.

You may have heard about betrayals and people who were abandoned by those they stood with. This is why it's important to discern your friends well and know who is true. But also nature will help you. After you've done your assessment and gone into battles for people, if they hide from you during your dark times, other people will step forward and stand with you.

Apart from close friends, there's also a kind of goodwill you should invest in your communities and groups. Whether that means joining welfare associations or participating in the informal welfare activities among your neighbours or church community, it will pay on the day of reckoning. It's not a good idea to insulate yourself from your communities even if you're self-reliant economically. There are situations in life that reauire human warmth and for people to come around and do things for you.

What if you're a recovering empath and you're learning not to over-give and deplete yourself? The problem with empath is self abandonment and indiscriminate giving. What they need to learn is self care and discerning, who is worth accessing their personal tresures. An empath needs to unlearn buying love by giving. They need to practise loving themselves first so that when they share with others, it's from a place of intentional sharing, not barter trade for emotional validation.