REVISITING THE PAST AND THE FEAR OF LOOSING IN THE PROCESS.

I am happily married with three kids and I thank God for that.I joined the union with two boys from my previous relationship and the third child with my husband.Unfortunately the more you grow you come to realize it is not just about you.

I got engaged to my husband now of thirteen years we dated for ten years then finally decided it was time to make it officially.From the time I was dating my husband to now he has been supportive physically and financially to my boys.I never had my boys call him dad but there was a strong bond and their love was enough for me.

I got my first pregnancy at age fourteen and conceived at age fifteen,I remember my boyfriend telling me he was young to be a father,he told me to have an abortion and gave me money for the process,I was ready to do that due to fear of what my mum would do to me and scared to I was young.

Were I was supposed to go for an abortion I received rumours that they are not qualified and I was directed to a doctor who was going to take me to a good hospital,I met the doctor but my money was not enough,we agreed that he keeps the money as I go look for more money.

I was young my mum was always away.She hard the news and came.I always had an innocent face.I remember her telling me(''I don't know if I should bit you up or live ,look at all this high school invitation letters? But a child is a gift from God.")That statement was a relief.

I went to my boyfriend and told him I have changed my mind I will keep the pregnancy.He was furious but immediately changed and went calm he had bad intentions I didn't even notice.They had a stairs and he decided to push me .I remember rolling as he watched me I completely felt no pain.

I was confused, shocked, walking home in tears in silent I suffered pain .and made up stories I was good at keeping secrets I was taught from a young age.

My boyfriend was bright he went to boarding highschool.As for me my education stopped I was a mother.When my child was six months.My mum found job in a different town and we relocated.I lost contact and sight of my boyfriend it's twenty one years now.

I believe in human rights I believe that a child has a right to identify.But they never showed me they wanted.

Last year I made a joke to my eldest son."Your handsome and nineteen but I have never seen you with a girl friend what's up?)The response ("Mum not now infact not a girlfriend but I'm getting a wife , after I finish college,get a job is when I will marry this women are very powerful nowadays,they can disappear with my child") I forced that laugh.

That statement from my son was deep I had all this questions running in my head.What if my son feels I have denied him the right to be with his father? Should I live things the way they are he is twenty years now?What if I revisit the past and end up losing my son in the end??