Reaching out for help

Being hurt by so many people close to you makes you feel hopeless. I've tried trusting people and opening up about my hurts and pains, because I was told talking about your past pains with someone you may trust helps a lot. Most of my life was filled with so much hurt and trauma that it was so hard to detect the good. Many nights i would cry myself to sleep asking why I have to be the one to go through so much hurt, i really didn't deserve it. A pastor once told me that God puts us through some trials and tribulations to mold and shape us to the person he wants us to be, but in my case i felt like i was given the trials and tribulations of the world to carry.

It seems like everyone I run to for help always needed something in return, my cousins, my pastor and friends all just couldn't help me genuinely. Imagine telling me as a teenager to open up and talk to your pastor or an elder in your church , because they are supposed to be the ones to guide and protect you , but they turned out to be the monsters. Imagine being raped by your pastor repeatedly and reaching out to the members of the church body for help, and being kicked out of the church because you're called a liar and wanting to ruin the name of their leader that was hand picked by God.

I was never safe in the hands of anyone, so you can't blame me for believing everyone is the same. All i ever wanted was just one person to truly and genuinely love and protect me from the monsters that prey on my weakness, but those same people were the monsters disguised as protectors. I've been raped, tortured, humiliated and battered until i became the shadow of myself.

All I need is help, someone to tell me it's going to get better, someone to believe in me, is that too much to ask for.

I'm a damaged woman with a broken child living in her.